Jem In A Jam

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

This is the story of a singer named Jem. She was lead singer of the band 'Jem And The Holograms', and one of her favourite pastimes was standing around admiring herself in her little pink hand mirror.

One day Jem was so caught up in admiring herself she didn't even notice two members of rival band 'The Misfits' sneaking into the room to kidnap her!

Having heard a muffled scream, Jem's backing band The Holograms, plus her hunky squeeze Rio, raced into the room!

"Jem never goes ANYWHERE without her hot pink feather boa!" Rio gasped worriedly "Something terrible must have happened to her!"

"Jem sucks! Jem sucks!" the Misfits chanted as Jem sat in indignation before them, annoyed at having had her little pink hand mirror taken from her, yet somewhat comforted by the fact that at least her underwear matched the bindings around her feet.


"Sweat" read Shana to the group "Looks like some kind of nightclub, maybe Jem is in there?"
"We'd best go in and have a look" Rio suggested "You gals go look for Jem, I'll get us a drink."

"Here you are," smiled the barman "And since you're so cute I've put an extra something in your drink, free of charge."
Rio thanked him and headed back to the group who shared the drink around. Suddenly they found themselves filled with a tingling sensation...followed by an overwhelming sense of euphoria!

"Ohhhhhhh," they gasped in unison "The mirror ball, it's so majestic....."
"I'm flying! I'm flying!" Shana shrieked flapping her arms about like a bird "Oh no! What's happened to Raya!!"

Rio headed to the bar to get some water for Raya but was stopped by a burly man who cooed "Hey there fella, what's your name?"

"Wow, you're a super friendly guy! I'm Rio!"
"You should take your shirt off Rio, it can get kinda hot in here, you don't want it getting all sweaty."
"Thanks! What a helpful tip!"
" wanna dance?" the fellow asked, moving in closer.

"Thanks, I'd love to but I really should get back to my friends. It was nice meeting you though!"
"Hey wait," the man called as they headed for the door "You forgot one of your drag queen friends!"

"Just pop her in the corner so no one steps on her!" Shana called back "We'll be back for her later."
"Wow! The men in that place sure were friendly!" mused Rio.
"And that man was so nice referring to us as drag queens," added Kimber "That must mean he thought we were pretty!"
Once outside it became obvious that something was dreadfully wrong!

"Why are our eyes so big?" Aja gasped.
"Maybe we're just really excited?" Rio suggested.
Unable to think of the cause of their diluted pupils, they decided to head to a convenience store to grab a snack and pick themselves up some sunglasses!

Pizzazz and Stormer of the Misfits decided that after a hard day's scheming, they deserved a nice cup of coffee. With the Misfits distracted, Jem made her move, crawling over the balcony and escaping!

Having escaped the Misfit's lair, Jem wandered aimlessly through the woods before stumbling across a strange and mysterious castle. She peeked through the window to see if anyone was home.

"A guest we have" came a strange voice from within "Invite them in we must!"
The front door opened and Jem ventured inside to find herself in a throne room, face to face with the inhabitants of the castle!

"Jedi Master Yoda I am" said the creature "My concubines these are."
"I am Heidi," smiled the blonde "And this is Kanikahaka, what is your name?"
"Mmmmmph!! Mmmmmph!!!!" replied Jem.
A strange language you speak," Yoda said "My third concubine you will be."

"Dance for me you will," Yoda commanded.
"Mmmmph!" Jem spat in refusal.
"Dance for me giant lady or suffer terribly you will!"
Jem decided that the little green creature was more than a little demanding and quite rude, and so snatched up a satchel of salt from a nearby table!

"Nooooooooo!!!" Yoda screamed as Jem poured the contents over him!

Fearing a mutiny by the concubines, Jem hopped from the castle as fast as she could and hid in the woods!

The strange feeling of euphoria caused by the drink in the nightclub having worn off, and, having split up from Rio to cover further distance, the Holograms happened upon a strange sign on a wall and stopped to read it.

" could be a trap," Aja warned the others "What should we do?"
"I'm gonna check it out!" Shana quipped racing for the microwave. Upon reaching it, she opened the door and had a look inside, oblivious to Roxy of The Misfits sneaking up behind her!

Roxy pushed Shana inside, slammed the door and set the microwave to ATOMIC!

The heat inside the microwave almost overwhelmed Shana as she threw herself against the door repeatedly, before finally breaking it open!
"I'm safe!" Shana sighed in relief as she climbed out "You know, I don't get why people are so concerned about the radiation from microwaves, I feel absolutely fine!"

Jem sat hopelessy against a tree in the woods, wondering how she would ever get out of her predicament, when suddenly the bushes nearby rustled and parted to reveal a strange sword-wielding creature!

"Cowabunga!" the creature cheered "Freaky coincidence! I dreamt last night I found a hot bondaged babe all tied up and vulnerable in the woods. I like, totally can't believe it's come true!"
Jem held up her bound hands and begged for his assistance to which the creature, realising her bindings were not intentional, slashed away at them with his ninja swords!

"I'm FREE! Thanks weird little green guy!" Jem replied racing off to find her friends.

The search for Jem continued as Rio happened upon a street walker who appeared to be having a slow night. He wondered if she might have some information on Jem's whereabouts.

"Hi there, my name's Rio-"
"It's sixty bucks an hour," she cut in "A full hundred for the whole night."
Suddenly Rio sensed someone behind him and spun around to see...JEM!
"Rio! I can't believe you've spent your time in my absence paying for pleasure with ladies of the night!" wailed Jem in horror, preparing to slap Rio's face!

"Take a hike honey!" the hooker spat at Jem "If you're gonna be slapping customers make sure they're your own!!"
"If you're suggesting I am associated with your profession you're WRONG you little tramp!"
"In that dress? Who you kidding love?"
Suddenly two English chaps approached Jem.

"Allo there darlin," one chirped "We're in town for the night, 'ow much for a good time? What'll ya do for a tenner?"
"I am NOT a prostitute! And if I was I'd be worth more than ten lousy bucks!!" Jem wailed turning and running off into the darkness.

Shana, Aja and Kimber were close to giving up hope, when suddenly they noticed something bright and pink moving in the distance!
"JEM!" they cheered, running to her.

"Thank god we found you!" the Holograms exclaimed happily. "And not a minute too soon!" Jem replied "Our concert begins in just half an hour!"

Half an hour later, Jem and her band took to the stage:
"Hi everyone!" chirped Jem "We're here tonight performing in aid of dolls and action figures without bendable elbows and knees. All revenue from ticket sales goes towards providing therapy for these unfortunate toys."
Jem and The Holograms burst into song as the audience of joint-challenged toys got up and bobbed in time with the music!

The performance was a triumph, raising hundreds of dollars for toys in need, and confirming Jem and The Holograms' status as true toy superstars.

After the show, Jem wondered if perhaps she had been too harsh on Rio. Not that she should have been concerned. In a hotel room nearby Rio was discovering that life without Jem wasn't half bad at all!

As for The Misfits, they had fallen on hard times. A fireman appeared at their door, explaining that their dark scary lair had been deemed a fire hazard, and the building condemned. They were being evicted!

"Over my dead body!!" Pizzazz shrieked in rage "We're not going ANYWHERE!"
"Happy Birthday Pizzazz!!!" cheered the Misfits as one of them switched on some music and 'Brad The Fireman' from Strippers-R-Us got to work earning his fifty bucks.


Click on the following link to read Jem's other adventure!

Copyright © Cade Buchanan 2013

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