Jem In A Jam

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

This is the story of a singer named Jem. She was lead singer of the band 'Jem And The Holograms', and one of her favourite pastimes was standing around admiring herself in her little pink hand mirror.

One day Jem was so caught up in admiring herself she didn't even notice two members of rival band 'The Misfits' sneaking into the room to kidnap her!

Having heard a muffled scream, Jem's backing band The Holograms, plus her hunky squeeze Rio, raced into the room!

"Jem never goes ANYWHERE without her hot pink feather boa!" Rio gasped worriedly "Something terrible must have happened to her!"

"Jem sucks! Jem sucks!" the Misfits chanted as Jem sat in indignation before them, annoyed at having had her little pink hand mirror taken from her, yet somewhat comforted by the fact that at least her underwear matched the bindings around her feet.


"Sweat" read Shana to the group "Looks like some kind of nightclub, maybe Jem is in there?"
"We'd best go in and have a look" Rio suggested "You gals go look for Jem, I'll get us a drink."

"Here you are," smiled the barman "And since you're so cute I've put an extra something in your drink, free of charge."
Rio thanked him and headed back to the group who shared the drink around. Suddenly they found themselves filled with a tingling sensation...followed by an overwhelming sense of euphoria!

"Ohhhhhhh," they gasped in unison "The mirror ball, it's so majestic....."
"I'm flying! I'm flying!" Shana shrieked flapping her arms about like a bird "Oh no! What's happened to Raya!!"

Rio headed to the bar to get some water for Raya but was stopped by a burly man who cooed "Hey there fella, what's your name?"

"Wow, you're a super friendly guy! I'm Rio!"
"You should take your shirt off Rio, it can get kinda hot in here, you don't want it getting all sweaty."
"Thanks! What a helpful tip!"
" wanna dance?" the fellow asked, moving in closer.

"Thanks, I'd love to but I really should get back to my friends. It was nice meeting you though!"
"Hey wait," the man called as they headed for the door "You forgot one of your drag queen friends!"

"Just pop her in the corner so no one steps on her!" Shana called back "We'll be back for her later."
"Wow! The men in that place sure were friendly!" mused Rio.
"And that man was so nice referring to us as drag queens," added Kimber "That must mean he thought we were pretty!"
Once outside it became obvious that something was dreadfully wrong!

"Why are our eyes so big?" Aja gasped.
"Maybe we're just really excited?" Rio suggested.
Unable to think of the cause of their diluted pupils, they decided to head to a convenience store to grab a snack and pick themselves up some sunglasses!

Pizzazz and Stormer of the Misfits decided that after a hard day's scheming, they deserved a nice cup of coffee. With the Misfits distracted, Jem made her move, crawling over the balcony and escaping!

Having escaped the Misfit's lair, Jem wandered aimlessly through the woods before stumbling across a strange and mysterious castle. She peeked through the window to see if anyone was home.

"A guest we have" came a strange voice from within "Invite them in we must!"
The front door opened and Jem ventured inside to find herself in a throne room, face to face with the inhabitants of the castle!

"Jedi Master Yoda I am" said the creature "My concubines these are."
"I am Heidi," smiled the blonde "And this is Kanikahaka, what is your name?"
"Mmmmmph!! Mmmmmph!!!!" replied Jem.
A strange language you speak," Yoda said "My third concubine you will be."

"Dance for me you will," Yoda commanded.
"Mmmmph!" Jem spat in refusal.
"Dance for me giant lady or suffer terribly you will!"
Jem decided that the little green creature was more than a little demanding and quite rude, and so snatched up a satchel of salt from a nearby table!

"Nooooooooo!!!" Yoda screamed as Jem poured the contents over him!

Fearing a mutiny by the concubines, Jem hopped from the castle as fast as she could and hid in the woods!

The strange feeling of euphoria caused by the drink in the nightclub having worn off, and, having split up from Rio to cover further distance, the Holograms happened upon a strange sign on a wall and stopped to read it.

" could be a trap," Aja warned the others "What should we do?"
"I'm gonna check it out!" Shana quipped racing for the microwave. Upon reaching it, she opened the door and had a look inside, oblivious to Roxy of The Misfits sneaking up behind her!

Roxy pushed Shana inside, slammed the door and set the microwave to ATOMIC!

The heat inside the microwave almost overwhelmed Shana as she threw herself against the door repeatedly, before finally breaking it open!
"I'm safe!" Shana sighed in relief as she climbed out "You know, I don't get why people are so concerned about the radiation from microwaves, I feel absolutely fine!"

Jem sat hopelessy against a tree in the woods, wondering how she would ever get out of her predicament, when suddenly the bushes nearby rustled and parted to reveal a strange sword-wielding creature!

"Cowabunga!" the creature cheered "Freaky coincidence! I dreamt last night I found a hot bondaged babe all tied up and vulnerable in the woods. I like, totally can't believe it's come true!"
Jem held up her bound hands and begged for his assistance to which the creature, realising her bindings were not intentional, slashed away at them with his ninja swords!

"I'm FREE! Thanks weird little green guy!" Jem replied racing off to find her friends.

The search for Jem continued as Rio happened upon a street walker who appeared to be having a slow night. He wondered if she might have some information on Jem's whereabouts.

"Hi there, my name's Rio-"
"It's sixty bucks an hour," she cut in "A full hundred for the whole night."
Suddenly Rio sensed someone behind him and spun around to see...JEM!
"Rio! I can't believe you've spent your time in my absence paying for pleasure with ladies of the night!" wailed Jem in horror, preparing to slap Rio's face!

"Take a hike honey!" the hooker spat at Jem "If you're gonna be slapping customers make sure they're your own!!"
"If you're suggesting I am associated with your profession you're WRONG you little tramp!"
"In that dress? Who you kidding love?"
Suddenly two English chaps approached Jem.

"Allo there darlin," one chirped "We're in town for the night, 'ow much for a good time? What'll ya do for a tenner?"
"I am NOT a prostitute! And if I was I'd be worth more than ten lousy bucks!!" Jem wailed turning and running off into the darkness.

Shana, Aja and Kimber were close to giving up hope, when suddenly they noticed something bright and pink moving in the distance!
"JEM!" they cheered, running to her.

"Thank god we found you!" the Holograms exclaimed happily. "And not a minute too soon!" Jem replied "Our concert begins in just half an hour!"

Half an hour later, Jem and her band took to the stage:
"Hi everyone!" chirped Jem "We're here tonight performing in aid of dolls and action figures without bendable elbows and knees. All revenue from ticket sales goes towards providing therapy for these unfortunate toys."
Jem and The Holograms burst into song as the audience of joint-challenged toys got up and bobbed in time with the music!

The performance was a triumph, raising hundreds of dollars for toys in need, and confirming Jem and The Holograms' status as true toy superstars.

After the show, Jem wondered if perhaps she had been too harsh on Rio. Not that she should have been concerned. In a hotel room nearby Rio was discovering that life without Jem wasn't half bad at all!

As for The Misfits, they had fallen on hard times. A fireman appeared at their door, explaining that their dark scary lair had been deemed a fire hazard, and the building condemned. They were being evicted!

"Over my dead body!!" Pizzazz shrieked in rage "We're not going ANYWHERE!"
"Happy Birthday Pizzazz!!!" cheered the Misfits as one of them switched on some music and 'Brad The Fireman' from Strippers-R-Us got to work earning his fifty bucks.


Click on the following link to read Jem's other adventure!

Copyright © Cade Buchanan 2013

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  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger CandiriaChic said…

    I must say that this is hilarious & very creative! It must have taken quite a while.

  • At 2:52 AM, Blogger Kenneth Reno said…

    Loved it! 80's Rock!

    Let's see MORE!

    GI JOE

    Very entertaining!

    Ken Reno

  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger JoshEEE said…

    Very entertaining indeed....although I was sad to see Yoda go.

    Kudos to the casting director of this little adventure.

  • At 10:03 PM, Blogger Cairybair said…

    Jem, Jem is excitement, OOOOHHHH Jem, Jem is adventure, ohhh ooooo, glamour and glitter fashion and fame! A+

  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger VicBear said…

    That is Truly Outrageous! I think this is brilliant.

  • At 8:59 PM, Blogger Lady K said…

    Simply Amazing!!!
    That was so much fun.
    I can't wait for the next one...will there be a "next one?"

  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Jem said…

    Hi Ya Karmie!

    Yes there is definitely another adventure being scripted as we speak!

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Ben T. said…

    Totally Kewl! The Misfits should get their hair done in Devilocks, though! Do you have a Glenn Danzig Doll?

    Or how about a polka-dotted elephant or a squirtgun that squirts grape jelly?

  • At 12:14 AM, Blogger Lambchop said…

    Oh I LOVE it! You are soooo great for doing that! I miss the 80's!!

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger TRES CEE said…


  • At 3:08 AM, Blogger Lunar Vampire said…

    that was so funny!!! thanks

  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger devon said…

    oh em gee. i lurved jem when i was a kid. the dolls aren't exactly twins of the cartoons, but whatever, not your fault. that made me laugh a lot. and it reminded me of kenzies snow adventure, and hillaries french presentation.

  • At 8:39 AM, Blogger Rosana said…

    I'm Rosana, from Brazil. I found Jem's blog by accident and recommended it in my blog, on purpose! So, do expect some visitor from South America from now on.
    Loved your work.
    Rosana ICQ - 2.748.040

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger Jem said…

    Hi All,

    Thanks for your awesome comments, I'm glad you got into the story.

    Take care, and thanks again!

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger JVC said…

    I almost pissed myself.

  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger FPL said…

    This is by far my new favorite blog. And just after getting a reply to my blog about how theres nothing original anymore. Pure genius.

  • At 4:42 AM, Blogger Shelly said…

    Hahaha! This made me laugh out loud! I thoroughly enjoyed this. Can't wait for more. I take back that "original" comment I made on FPL's blog ;) I'm gonna link you up to my blog okay? Take care and keep em coming!

  • At 2:29 AM, Anonymous yoda said…

    Gone am I not, the force I have joined, see you will when I return.

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Absolutely brilliant...

    How did you straighten Shana's hair???

  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger Jem said…

    You just pour boiling water over the hair and brush the curls out and hey presto, perfectly straight hair!


  • At 11:25 PM, Blogger Jazz said…


  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger londoninflames said…

    wonderful. you scare me.

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Freakin' Awesome!!!! My sister and I used to have all those dolls and my brother had the he-man castle and ninga turtles. I loved it!!

  • At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When is the next installation?

    I check back every now and then to see if you have updated it.

  • At 1:43 AM, Blogger Jem said…

    Hey There,

    The sequel is at:


  • At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jem like I've never seen Jem before. Loved it, keep it coming!

  • At 7:23 AM, Blogger Jetta said…

    Wow amazing, Jem in a whole new comedy world! I love it please do more!

  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger schloo said…

    Pretty much the mostest awesomest blog ever.

  • At 3:34 AM, Anonymous scooter said…

    You, my friend are absolutely brilliant!

    Clever, witty and very very campy.

    Simply brilliant.

  • At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    great work! really funny, i love's an 80's toys revival!!!

  • At 6:25 AM, Anonymous albvas said…

    like totally awesome dude

  • At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I loved this... it was so fun and it totally made my day :)

  • At 8:50 AM, Blogger VP of Dior said…

    i just spit coffee up all over my keyboard :)

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous jonboi said…

    uh how cool was that!

    i've neva seen anything like it, this is the ultimate blog, an im sending a link to all my friends!

    u r so cool Mr or Ms whoever u r!

    jem is the coolest an u r even cooler!!!

    didnt stop laffin thru d whole thing, amazing!

  • At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wonderful job with the Jem fashion dolls.
    I'm a doll collector and doll maker and I thought your story was clever, funny, smart, campy and just plain fantastic! Keep up the good work. I really loved it and hope to see more.

    Darrell Keith Wallace

  • At 7:29 AM, Blogger Hunt and Fish said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger Roberto Iza Valdes said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 2:28 AM, Blogger Jem said…

    Comments removed due to blogger spam, sorry guys, have to do the letter verification thing for future comments :-)

  • At 4:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just spit pepsi out my nose and all over my monitor.


    Puh-LEEZE -- we need to see more of that!


  • At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Those two stories were well done and hilarious! I loved the mix of Jem dolls with Darth Vader, Skeletor, Bratz and other action figures! Maybe Wonder Woman should join in some of the stories, too! A++

  • At 2:54 PM, Blogger Mel said…

    It's so cool and creative! Love the pics!

  • At 6:50 AM, Blogger Lulu said…

    YOU rock Jem!
    The story is so funny!
    I like the pics!

  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger Jackie said…

    So cute!Visit my blog!

  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love this. Alot.

  • At 7:07 AM, Blogger Pura López said…

    hilarious xDD
    I loved Jem!

  • At 7:19 AM, Blogger newplanet said…

    Oh my. This was the most hilarious Jem adventure I have read in a long time. Well done!

  • At 1:35 PM, Blogger Roberto Iza said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger rib109 said…

    wouldn't miss your stories for all the Re-Ment in China/japan.
    The ones with Rio and the hooker are hot. I bet she brought some toys along, Rio is gonna get the VIP package reserved for entertainers and promoters.

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